Humor
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My New Year's Resolutions
submitted 1 year, 5 months ago by danmarkowitz
Listed in order of difficulty
submitted 1 year, 5 months ago by danmarkowitz
Listed in order of difficulty
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That Bathroom Mirror Better Not Reveal A Monster Behind Me
submitted 1 year, 10 months ago by danmarkowitz
There will probably be some kind of loud, jarring noise too. That will be the scariest part.
submitted 1 year, 10 months ago by danmarkowitz
There will probably be some kind of loud, jarring noise too. That will be the scariest part.
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Our Family Camping Trip
submitted 1 year, 11 months ago by danmarkowitz
I got our sleeping bags out of the closet, I finished packing the hiking gear, and I already hired a hobo to hide in the woods and wait for us.
submitted 1 year, 11 months ago by danmarkowitz
I got our sleeping bags out of the closet, I finished packing the hiking gear, and I already hired a hobo to hide in the woods and wait for us.
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LULLABY OF THE SLOTH MOTHER
submitted 1 year, 11 months ago by RozWarrenJanetGolden
You too can be a sloth mother...
submitted 1 year, 11 months ago by RozWarrenJanetGolden
You too can be a sloth mother...
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I Dance Like I Have Two Left Feet
submitted 2 years ago by danmarkowitz
Except it's also like one left foot is backwards, and the other left foot is upside down.
submitted 2 years ago by danmarkowitz
Except it's also like one left foot is backwards, and the other left foot is upside down.
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Fun and Games for After Someone Loses an Eye
submitted 2 years, 1 month ago by danmarkowitz
Warning: Please do not attempt to lose an eye on purpose. However, if it *does* happen, do attempt to continue having a good time.
submitted 2 years, 1 month ago by danmarkowitz
Warning: Please do not attempt to lose an eye on purpose. However, if it *does* happen, do attempt to continue having a good time.
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Nobody Said It Would Be Easy
submitted 2 years, 2 months ago by danmarkowitz
If somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them, slowly.
submitted 2 years, 2 months ago by danmarkowitz
If somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them, slowly.
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The Hunter becomes the Hunted, then a Tree, then the Hunter again, and then a Pelican
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
This game is rated 'M' for "Most Dangerous."
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
This game is rated 'M' for "Most Dangerous."
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Movies With Alternate Middles
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Because you probably already know about movies with alternate endings.
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Because you probably already know about movies with alternate endings.
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Charlie Sheen Laid Off, Nation Panics
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by deartheonion
A nation reacts with horror and grief upon hearing the news that Charlie Sheen, actor and spokesperson for the mentally ill, has been laid off.
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by deartheonion
A nation reacts with horror and grief upon hearing the news that Charlie Sheen, actor and spokesperson for the mentally ill, has been laid off.
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Message In A Bottle
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Sorry to disturb your nice day at the beach. Just give me a moment of your time, and then you can get right back to boogie-boarding.
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Sorry to disturb your nice day at the beach. Just give me a moment of your time, and then you can get right back to boogie-boarding.
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NBA To Discontinue Traveling Penalty
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by deartheonion
The National Basketball Association has decided they will no longer penalize players for traveling.
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by deartheonion
The National Basketball Association has decided they will no longer penalize players for traveling.
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Fun Pranks To Try At Home!
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Are you a habitual practical joker? Love pulling fast ones on your friends? Then here are three fun pranks that you can try at home!
submitted 2 years, 3 months ago by danmarkowitz
Are you a habitual practical joker? Love pulling fast ones on your friends? Then here are three fun pranks that you can try at home!
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Man's Best Friend
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
They say that a dog is a man's best friend, but they're wrong: I'm a man, and my best friend is Steve.
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
They say that a dog is a man's best friend, but they're wrong: I'm a man, and my best friend is Steve.
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Your Goatee Makes You Look Like An Evil Submarine Captain
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
Why did you grow that thing in the first place? Thought you would look cool? Wrong. There’s nothing cool about submarines, except maybe bathyspheres.
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
Why did you grow that thing in the first place? Thought you would look cool? Wrong. There’s nothing cool about submarines, except maybe bathyspheres.
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The Assholes' Bill of Rights
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by DJaggard
At last, equal protection under the law for citizens whose only crime is having been born an irredeemable dick.
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by DJaggard
At last, equal protection under the law for citizens whose only crime is having been born an irredeemable dick.
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Thank You For The Opportunity To Interview With Your Company
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
I bring many things to the table, including chairs and bagged lunches. If there's free food available, I may even bring friends who don't work here.
submitted 2 years, 4 months ago by danmarkowitz
I bring many things to the table, including chairs and bagged lunches. If there's free food available, I may even bring friends who don't work here.
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With New Zodiac Dates, Serial Killers Thrown Into State Of Confusion
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
Serial killers across the nation were thrown into utter confusion this past week after astrologers released a new set of Zodiac dates.
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
Serial killers across the nation were thrown into utter confusion this past week after astrologers released a new set of Zodiac dates.
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I CANNOT POSSIBLY BUY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES FROM YOUR DAUGHTER AT THIS TIME.
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by cnadler
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by cnadler
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Area Man Uses Winter As Excuse To Mask Physical Imperfections
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
BOULDER, CO - An area man is thrilled that winter has once again come to pass so he can use hats and scarves to hide his physical imperfections.
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
BOULDER, CO - An area man is thrilled that winter has once again come to pass so he can use hats and scarves to hide his physical imperfections.
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Partygoers Afraid To Ask Danny Glover If He’s Danny Glover For Fear Of Being Racist
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Attendees at a local party were afraid to ask veteran actor Danny Glover if he was indeed Danny Glover, for fear of being racist.
submitted 2 years, 5 months ago by deartheonion
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Attendees at a local party were afraid to ask veteran actor Danny Glover if he was indeed Danny Glover, for fear of being racist.
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In Sickness & In Health
submitted 2 years, 6 months ago by theadjectivenoun
A divorce in California is easier to obtain than a library card.
submitted 2 years, 6 months ago by theadjectivenoun
A divorce in California is easier to obtain than a library card.