There are smart phone apps to help us with everything from staying on our diets to learning French. And they’re useful as far as they go. But they don’t go nearly far enough. Here are a few more apps we women could really use:
Sockeroo: Just aim your phone at the dirty socks under the bed and they are airborne and into the laundry hamper in no time. Perfect for moms with teenagers.
Blather-Be-Gone: Direct it at anybody gabbing on a cell in public and it replaces their blather with your choice of soothing nature sounds. Replace that lawyer negotiating a lease at top volume with a gently trickling brook.
Football Time Machine: Point it at the TV and the game will start an hour before scheduled so you can go to bed at your usual time without being startled awake by screams and howls from the TV room.
That’s My Space, Pal: Point it at the driver about to take the parking space you had your eye on and he’ll drive on by.
Cloak of Auto Invisibility: Makes your car invisible to anyone authorized to write tickets.
Is it Hot in Here?: Lowers any thermostat in the vicinity ten degrees. A godsend for the menopausal.
Calorie Eliminator: Point it at a cupcake and it removes all the calories. Eating candy is the same as eating celery!
Gender Gap Eliminator: Point it at a male co-worker and your next paycheck will match his.
Child Sarcasm Silencer: Point it at your child and it changes anything sarcastic he’s about to say to “I love you, Mom.” It also stops teenage eye-rolling.
Music Minder: Turns the hip hop blaring from your teen’s room into Bach harpsichord pieces.
Child Chore Motivator: Point it at your kid and he’ll put down whatever electronic gizmo he’s currently addicted to and ask if he can take out the garbage.
Smarten Up: Zaps anyone under 40 who beings a sentence with “You might be too old to…”
BegaThon Buster: Silences public radio during fund-raising breaks.
Forever Franco: Sends you poetry, novels, paintings and movies by James Franco.
Sheenoff: Turns off electronic media whenever Charlie Sheen threatens to be seen, heard or spoken of.
Budget Adjuster: Aim it at your local congressperson at the next political event you attend and she’ll introduce a bill to cut the defense budget and spend the money saved on health, education and peace.
Share-A-Toy: Creates a sense of empathy in squabbling toddlers.
Sinkerdiddle: Cleans those hairs out of the drain, including the ones that aren’t yours and that should have been cleaned by the last person using the shower.
Shoe-Minder: Alerts you to all shoe sales within 10, 20 or 30 mile radius. Because you can never have enough.
Pretty Toes: Point it at your feet. Instant pedicure.
You’re Wrong: Point it at your partner during your next argument and he’ll admit you were right all along. About everything.
Porn Redirect: Tired of your spouse downloading pornography? Rickrolls his browser to animated clips of Bugs Bunny in a tutu.
Chocostash: Locates foolproof hiding place for your chocolate to prevent family members from finding and consuming it.
ChocoFind: Reveals where family members have hidden THEIR chocolate.
Film Magic: Eliminates gore, explosions and car chases from any movie.
Woody Go: Eliminates Woody Allen from any movie.
Audit-Proofer: Point it at your tax return before filing and the IRS will insist on giving YOU money.
Phone Zap: Press twice and your phone bill for the month will be erased and all your apps upgraded.
LetsLaugh: Takes you to insightoutpost.com