AIR DISASTER HOROSCOPE
ARIES. Concentrate on financial projects during the first half of the month. On the 15th you will die in a major aviation disaster.
TAURUS. You will be sitting on the aisle but you’ll want a window seat. If nobody takes the window seat, you figure you’ll move over. But at the last possible moment your worst enemy will board and sit in the window seat. Later, as you tear open your package of salted nuts, a small hole will open up in the fuselage beside him and he’ll be sucked out of the plane. Only his dentures will remain, on the seat.
GEMINI. Given a choice between pretzels and salted nuts, you will choose salted nuts. One will lodge in your windpipe over Des Moines, choking you to death.
CANCER. You’re on a airplane that’s about to land when the pilot announces over the loudspeaker, “We’ve lost all power in one engine, but this plane is able to fly on the remaining three engines. But we’ll have to circle awhile to prepare for an emergency landing.” Fifteen minutes later the pilot comes on over the loudspeaker again. “We’ve lost power in another engine,” he says, “but this plane is able to fly on the remaining two engines. However, we’ll have to circle some more to prepare for an emergency landing.” Fifteen minutes later, the pilot comes on once again. “We’ve lost power in another engine, he announces, “but this plane is designed to fly on the remaining engine. However, we’ll have to circle some more to prepare for an emergency landing.” The guy in the next seat will turn to you. “Hope we don’t lose that last engine, “ he‘ll say, “or we’ll be up here all day.”
LEO. The small child in the seat next to the emergency exit will open the exit in flight and you will be sucked out. You will land on a suburban home, plummeting through the living room ceiling and crushing the room’s sole occupant to death.
VIRGO. Two planes will collide over an airport in Cincinnati, but you’ll be nowhere near Cincinnati so you won’t give a damn.
LIBRA. Soon as the plane takes off, you’ll realize that EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER EXCEPT YOU is a gun-toting terrorist seeking martyrdom and you’ll be so terrified you’ll die of a heart attack before you can learn that they’re all just movie extras flying out to Hollywood to be in “The Bin Laden Story,” a made-for-TV-movie starring James Franco and Angelina Jolie.
SCORPIO. See VIRGO.
SAGITTARIUS. Soon as the plane takes off you’ll realize that EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER EXCEPT YOU is a gun-toting terrorist seeking martyrdom and as your heart is about to explode with fear, you’ll wake up and realize it’s all a dream and that the other passengers are all ordinary folks just like yourself, which is when the hole will open up in the fuselage beside you.
CAPRICORN. You will be reading in the newspaper you brought on board about the two planes that collided over a Cincinnati airport when you realize that the passenger on your left is a cartoonist drawing mocking pictures of Mohammed and the passenger on your right is reading the Koran, writing his will and polishing his AK-47.
AQUARIUS. This is the month all your dreams will come true, if all your dreams are about dying in aviation disasters.
PISCES. You’ll be sitting in your living room reading InsightOutpost on your laptop and and a Leo will fall through the skylight and crush you to death.