Listen up, because I don't want to hear any complaining after we begin: nobody said it would be easy.
Where did you hear that it would be easy? I didn't hear that, and my hearing is better than yours. If not much better than yours.
somebody did say that it would be easy, they were lying. Sorry to get
your hopes up. Please keep your hopes in plain sight and lower them,
Sure, nobody said it would be hard. And nobody said it would be medium either. But nobody said it would be easy.
be fair, I did say that it would be simple. And one guy said that it
would be like taking candy from a baby. Someone else said that it would
be a piece of cake. Maybe you heard one of us and misunderstood.
that guy who compared it to a piece of cake: Did he specify what kind
of cake? No. It could be a pound cake, or perhaps a carrot cake. We have
no way of knowing.
But here's something we do know: It's unknown whether it will be easy.
that other guy who compared it to taking candy from a baby: Did you
think that meant it would be easy? Well what you didn't realize is that
this baby is actually a genetically-modified super baby, and it is very
hungry for candy. You think it's going to be easy to take that candy?
This baby will put up quite a fight.
Why did you assume that it would be a normal baby in the first place? Nobody said it would be a normal baby.
also hope you understood that this whole baby thing was just an
analogy. We will not actually be stealing snacks from infants. Nobody
said it would be a perfect simile. Though if we were, you can rest
assured that nobody would claim that it would be easy to do so.
That part was hypothetical as well: Nobody said you could rest.
bet you thought that it would be fast too, but it could take a while. Do you have something better to do? Somewhere else to be? You
better clear your schedule for the next few weeks. You may have to work
weekends too. Don't worry though: Nobody said they expect you to come in
you think that it would make you happy? You're going to be sadly
disappointed, because it will actually make you sad and disappointed.
And if you thought that we'd all come out clean, then you've been
grossly misinformed, because it will be pretty gross.
I know that nobody said it would be easy to understand. But do you
actually have any idea what’s about to go on? Please, just try to pay
attention, because nobody is going to repeat anything. Especially the
things that they didn't say, like how easy this may be.
Okay. Ready? Let's get started.
Also, if it does turn out to be easy, nobody heard any of this from me.