THANKS FOR FLYING TIGHTWAD AIRLINES!

    Tightwad appreciates your help in keeping us out of bankruptcy by paying extra to sit in an aisle seat or to actually travel with luggage. While waiting to board your flight today, please look at this menu of choices we’ve added to fine-tune your flying experience. Select from the following options and return your completed form to the gate agent. The resulting fees will be charged to your credit card. 
    
    SEATING OPTIONS: 
    For a seat that isn’t near a howling baby. $10
    For a seat that isn’t beside a morbidly obese fellow passenger.  $20
    For a seat that isn‘t next to a woman going through a horrible divorce who desperately needs a shoulder to cry on. $50
    For a seat that isn’t crawling with bed bugs. $100
    
    FOOD SERVICE
    We will be serving thin gruel and recycled water during today’s eight hour flight.  
    For an upgrade to a carcinogenic lunch meat wrap. $5
    For an upgrade to a lukewarm vegan pizza. $10
    For permission to cook and eat a fellow passenger. $35  

    USE OF RESTROOMS
    We’ve installed pay toilets on our planes. You may visit the bathroom for a mere $1.00.  Other bathroom options: 
    For permission to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. $10
    For permission to smoke a joint in the bathroom. $20
    For permission to have sex in the bathroom. $100
    For permission to have sex in the bathroom with a flight attendant. $200.
    For permission to have sex in the bathroom with the pilot. $300

    YOUR PILOT TODAY 
    Your pilot today will be Jeff, a twenty-two year old recovering alcoholic and sex-addicted recent graduate of Fly By Night Pilot School in lovely Tijuana, Mexico.  
    To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one drink within the last two hours. $20
    To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one heart attack within the last two hours. $50 
    To upgrade to a pilot who has never crashed a plane. $20    
    To upgrade to Captain Sully Sullenberger. $200,000. 
    
    When we’ve collated this information and assigned your new seats, we’ll board the plane. Please be advised that anyone who complains about this new fee menu will be assessed a $10 “Please Close Your Pie Hole And Sit Down” Fee.     
    And thanks again for flying Tightwad! 

Comments

(Please login or signup to leave a comment.)

• 4
  snaps

  From Smithy 2 years, 2 months ago
  A heart attack, a plane crash, and full-on alcoholism - sounds like our pilot Jeff has lead a pretty full life by 22!
  

• 2
  snaps

  From clevergrrl 2 years, 2 months ago
  I feel like if you've already shelled out $200K to get cap'n Sully in the cockpit, you might as well spring an exta $200 to shag him in the bathroom