Ghengis Khan

Username: gkOne

Pan-Asian Overlord Seeks Fun-Loving Concubine to Help Preserve Y-Chromosomal Lineage

Wassup, ladies? I'm looking for several hundred fine, Asian hotties who like to party and have a good time. About me: I'm a single, swinging Mongol warlord who enjoys free trading of exotic commodities, pillaging the nomadic tribes of Asia, and power pilates. I apologize for not having any pictures of myself to post. Trust me, the 13th Century artist's depiction I've included in my profile doesn't do justice to the color of my eyes or the unruliness of my untrimmed fu-manchu. I'm not looking for anything serious, just someone who can help me overpopulate future generations of Eurasia and then unwind from a long day of genocidal raiding with a tall, cold glass of fermented mare's milk. If this describes you, come on down the Silk Road to one of my conquered vassal states, and we can unite in carnal pleasure just as I united all of Asia from the Jin Dynasty to the Khwarezmian Empire. 

Pls include pictures. 

Vlad The Impaler

Username: CheerUpEmoKid

Misunderstood Widower Seeks Soul Mate to Engage in Sadistic Torture Rituals

It's not easy making friends when your last name is "Dracula" and you live in Transylvania (the New Jersey of Eastern Europe). No one seems to understand me. I am an intelligent and sensitive guy, but all anyone ever sees in me is minor acne and a penchant for cannibalism. When people see me, they don't say, "Oh, that's Vlad. He helps elderly women cross the moat", they say, "Vlad impales people on wooden stakes and puts them on display as a warning to his enemies". I'm looking for a girl who understands what it's like to feel like everyone is staring at you but no one really sees you. On an ideal date, we would spend the day applying dark makeup to each others' faces, cutting ourselves with thorns, and drinking the blood while listening to The Cure. At night I would take you to the highest tower of Poenari Castle, where, under a full moon, we could fall asleep to the gentle cries of boyar slaves retrieving their loved ones' decomposed bodies from the Arges river. Admittedly, my track record with women is not great, as I had my ex publicly disemboweled, while my first wife leapt to her death rather than surrendering to the Turkish bastards who had surrounded our castle. Talk about baggage! (J/k, :P ) If you'd like to meet a generous prince who once invited all of the impoverished citizens of his kingdom to a grand banquet (and are willing to overlook that he subsequently locked them in and set the room on fire for his amusement), send me an email. 

Napoleon Bonaparte

Username: JacobinThereDoneThat

Lonely Divorcee Seeks Faithful Partner to Live Out Remaining Days of Exile

New to Saint Helena and would love to meet some people before I die of boredom (or potentially stomach cancer). I am a shy and sensitive Leo who until recently ruled all of Europe with an iron first by waging devastating total war on neighboring states. When I'm not coordinating the French escape from the Third Coalition's naval blockades, I enjoy watching "Dancing with the Stars" and black and white photography. I have been hurt by love before, specifically by my ex-wife Josephine, who cheated on me with a cavalry officer while I was invading Italy and then failed to birth a single male heir to the French throne, possibly due to the irreparable psychological distress of imprisonment and the guillotining of her first husband under the Reign of Terror. I'd like to meet a girl who is open-minded, adventurous, and proficient in basic artillery combat. Confidence is a turn-on. Teach me something new! A great smile is a must, but please be under 5' 2" (1.6m). 

Adolf Hitler

Username: TheSound&TheF?hrer

Aryan Supremacist Seeks Female Possessing Exact Opposite Physical Characteristics

Just your average nice guy looking for a fair-skinned and racially pure companion to share in life's beauty. I enjoy baking, Sudoku, and long walks along electrified, barbed wire fences. I'm adventurous and willing to try anything once (except for gefilte fish). I know what I want in life (professional self-sufficiency, meaningful personal relationships, Poland) and how to get it (military intimidation). Fun fact: my favorite band and European Archduke are both Franz Ferdinand! I have an athletic build and my best features are my abs and my oft-parodied toothbrush mustache. My ideal date has blonde hair, blue eyes, no family history of genetic defects, a labrador-like deference to authority, and does not mind participating in the occasional straight-limbed march I throw in my honor. If this describes you, I'd love the chance to meet you and prove that my use of genocidal totalitarianism is more than just a defense mechanism employed to compensate for low self esteem and repressed homosexual tendencies. 

PS: I'm a published author!

Kim Jong Il

Username: DearLeader41

Megalomaniacal Despot Seeking Special Someone Who Won't Make Fun of His Excessively Shaved Sideburns

If you are into real ultimate power, consider this: The picture you see in this profile hangs in the household of every citizen of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I am the bad boy of the developed world. I laugh in the face of United Nations nuclear arms inspectors and harshly worded statements of condemnation from the United States. Six-party talks? Psssshhhh! Empty threats of economic sanctions? Bitch, puhleeeeeze. I have a passion for acting. A misleadingly puppetized version of me starred in the 2004 comedy, "Team America: World Police". I love to shoot hoops and play golf. Playa's gotta stay lean in order to fit into these solid-colored, one-piece jumpsuits, yaknowwhatI'msaying? 

I'm looking for whatever I can get. 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Username: IranIsawIconquered

Women Are Inferior and Should Not Be Permitted to Use Technology

No, seriously. Get off the computer. 

Comments

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  snaps

  From mgn 2 years, 5 months ago
  The usernames are freakin awesome. Great piece